Job
So all I have to do to be a pirate is be angry and angry and angry. And have a boat. (6)                                                                                 
R: Mum, I've decided what I want to do when I grow up.  (8)                                                                                                                               
Me: Oh yes, what's that?
R: Magician

Moans
Tomorrow Robin has to suffer the indignity of shoe shopping (for him!) and visiting a museum about boats.                                            
I thought it best to get it all over at once. He's promised to do his best with it all.
'How many moans am I allowed tomorrow...?' he's just asked. (10)

Chain
We went past a St Mary's church which he expressed surprise at because there's a St Mary's near his friend's house.                             
'Is it a chain....?' he asked innocently. (12)

 
Weather                                                                                                                                                                                                       
Spoken like a true English, 'I don't like any sort of weather. I don't like snow because it's too cold,
I don't like sun because it gets in my eyes, I don't like wind because it blows me over, I don't like rain because it's so wet.
I like clouds that don't look like they're going to rain.' (7)

'I don't like the weather that hangs around in the middle of the sky waiting to do something to you.' (8)                                                     

Penis & Begina Part I
Came in just now to find the boys knee deep in the Wii.                                                                                                                                
Me: How was school today?'
Robin [distractedly]: Yeah good.
Then as the memory came back.
Robin: Actually, terrible.
Me: Why's that.
Robin: We watched a film about penises and beginas. I mean vaginas. Right there in the middle of the screen. (8)

Penis & Begina Part II                                                                                                                                                                                          
Robin: Mum, when we were learning about penises and stuff, our challenge was to turn to our talking partner and say 'breasts' without laughing...
I collapse into (wine-fuelled, it being Friday night) hysterics.
Robin: Mum, you failed. (8)


Penis & Begina Part III                                                                                                                                                                                           
This time it was written in one of Robin's school books, a book with one of those twaddle-y titles like 'Personal, Social & Emotional Devpt.'
One one page was drawn a Venn Diagram, one circle entitled Boys, the other Girls.
In the Boys section, Robin had written 'penus' [sic] and 'balls'. (When questioned, he did point to the relevant part of his anatomy to clarify he wasn't talking about sporting equipment). Under Girls, he'd written 'long hair' and 'b/v/a/gina - it was so scrawled due to his embarrassment it was barely legible.
In the overlap between the two, it read 'bum' and 'Minecraft', which is a computer game.... (8)


Bonnet                                                                                                                                                                                                                       
Robin made his Easter bonnet for school at art club today.
These are normally fluffy yellow beribboned creations (more suitable for girls in my opinion).
Robin's had one chick (from a party bag) with eggs drawn round it and a hot cross bun.
Other than that there was Jesus hiding in the cave, a small Jesus on a cross, a large Jesus on the cross
and an extremely intricate Jesus and his 12 decycles (sic) complete with Jesus offering Judas a heart shaped piece of bread dipped in wine.
More chocolate anyone...? (7)

Robin's Easter bonnet with his 12 'decycles'

Observations

Robin was on the brink of losing a tooth last night, exposing a painful gum.                                                                                                      
'Oof, that's painful', he said, 'but not as painful as a lady having a baby....'
My work here is done. (7)                                   

                                     
When the boys were taking an age getting to bed, I said, 'Well, I'll just go to sleep then', lying down and closing my eyes.                                
Robin said 'Oh great. Now I'll have to go downstairs and watch rubbish television and drink wine.'  (6)

                                                                                                
I was snuggling Robin and 'binging' him on the end of his cute little nose. 'Mum, you're going to be really annoying when I grow up.....' (8)          


Having prepared endless pancakes for the boys this morning I finally sat down for my breakfast.                                                                     
Robin: 'Just one bite and she's straight on to her paper.' (7)


In the car yesterday Luke started singing a song he'd learnt at nursery. Couldn't really hear it because                                                            
he was uncharacteristically quiet, but it seemed to be a tuneless dirge involving dead cows. Robin and I
listened for a while, then Robin asked: 'Did you get that off X Factor?' (6)


Cheeky
Robin came up behind me and squeezed me hard. 'Your legs are so SQUISHY! Like a sponge.'                                                                        
Words never to say again to your mother, Master R, or indeed any woman in the future. (6)

Robin came bounding in and saw me at my computer. 'Well, seems like you've had 20 minutes peace.' (6)

Having listened to 'Heads, Shoulders, Knees etc etc' for some time, remarked 'What about willies and bum-bum?' (5)                                      

Note found in Robin's bed: 'Dear Tooth Fairy, I hope YOU have good teeth.'  (6)     

A friend and I have a long-running discussion about which celebrities we would ensconce on a private island. I referred to one of the candidates on the list just now to Robin.
‘Oh right. Your Desert Island Dicks’.
Now I’m sure he’s not the first to say that, maybe he’s even read it somewhere, but in his typically deadpan voice, it did make me lol.     (16)                                                                                

How Life Is
Robin telling me about his progress at football in the playground: 'I try to be good at football, but some of the boys are really mighty.' (7)

Robin: Mummy, this dinner is so delicious I'm going to give you a piece of the roast squash [i.e. the thing he doesn't want to eat]  (8)

So, who scrunched up Luke's drawing of some food on a plate that he'd done at school...?
It can't have been Luke, it was his drawing. So, was it you, Robin..? Shifty look from Robin. Was it?
Robin: It was to make the food look more realistic.(8)

Robin: I hate Thursdays                                                                                                                                                                                         
Me: Why's that?
Robin: Because I think it's the end of the week. Then it isn't.
Spoken like a true Arthur Dent (Hitchhikers Guide) (8)

Robin: Mum, I doubt I'll ever be a daddy.                                                                                                                                                                
Me: Why's that then Robs?
Me: Because no ladies like me. (7)

Robin has written out 'golden rules' for the family. His one for me: 'Mummy don't irritate little children like Robin.'  (6)                                                


Writings
Note outside the door this morning.                                                                                                                                                                          
'Don't come in my bedroom. Only come in my bedroom if you bring me water and food by grumpy Robin.' (6)

Robin wrote me a story about a snowman who was very cold and had to jump up and down to keep warm.  (6)                                                      
It ends: 'The next day the snow started to melt so he said goodbye to himself and then he melted.'

Robin's first tooth is finally gone. Literally. It's nowhere to be seen. I didn't like to point out he'd probably swallowed it                                            
with his school dinner. He's helpfully drawn a picture of his mouth with a gap for the benefit of the 'Tooth Ferry', as he's put on the back. (5)


This and that
What a chip off the old block Robin is. Having given his pirate passing out parade performance at school,                                                          
complete with ferocious facial expressions and vigorous fist shaking (enough for all his classmates), he announced:
'I'm so tired Mummy. It really took it out of me.' (6)

Trying to persuade Robin to fasten his seatbelt BEFORE opening crisps so I could start driving, 'Don't RUSH me Mum'  (6)    

Robin came in as I was watching a bit of Beat The Chaser.
The contestant opted for ‘Luke’s Skywalker’s light saber’ as the item stolen from a museum.
‘Don’t be ridiculous, that’s in a galaxy far far away’, he said sardonically.  (16)

Learning

Been helping Robin with his history mocks revision. Fun times for women in the Third Reich, eh? He likes learning about depressing stuff. Just had a discussion with him whether he’d be a goth if it wasn’t for the dress style. Earlier I’d been trying to squeeze some in between phone calls I had to make - ‘Mum, you can’t rush history.’    
 I was cackling away wondering about a connection between the November Criminals and the Fun Lovin Criminals.
‘Mum, stop laughing at yourself. You’re worsening the wound.’ (16)                       

Was trying to explain to Robin the meaning of 'metabolism'. He listened for a while, then said.                                                                                
'I've got a difficult word like that. It's transpariduck.'
'Really..?'
'No. Trans-parrot. Transparent, that's it.'(6)

Robin is objecting to the fact that they have to learn plurals of body parts in French. ‘What’s more useful to me in a cafe? - Where is the toilet? - or - That woman over there has two heads?’ (13)


Mum and her Friends
In one week I had two friends round for dinner one night and one on another.. I informed the boys they’d have to eat with us on the second occasion. Robin closed his eyes, a pained expression crossing his face.
‘Oh God, not another woman....’ (15)

I bumped into the mother of a friend that Robin used to walk to school with occasionally. The friend is a year older so already at college.
Me: Do you ever see him?
R: Not at all.
M: Do you ever message each other?
R: We’re not women!
(Said with all the scorn his skinny sixteen year old frame could muster.)

Took Robin with me to visit my mum today as the Home were having a tea party.
As she was being wheeled over to us, Robin pipes up, ‘Here she comes. 50cc…’ (16)

Robin and I were discussing walking speeds. I told him that the other night, someone, spotting me heading to our meeting, had struggled to catch up with me.
‘Yes. Well you are a very hasty woman.’ (14)

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